


Losing Yourself

by SailorLestrade



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 17:59:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10724373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorLestrade/pseuds/SailorLestrade
Summary: The reader is struggling





	Losing Yourself

She set on their bed, staring straight ahead at the wall. Dean thought it would cheer her up if he let her read the Supernatural books, but she had barely gotten into book one, one that according to many fansites had multiple names, before she put it down and hadn’t picked it up. Her heart was hurting too bad. This headache wouldn’t go away. She felt like she was drowning.

She didn’t even realized she had picked up her phone to answer a call until Dean’s voice was saying her name in her ear. She had looked around, expecting to see the older hunter standing by her, but realized it was just from the phone against her ear.

“(Y/n)?” He said again.

“Hi…” She said weakly. He instantly could tell something was wrong. She wasn’t normally this quiet, especially when he called.

“Are you okay?” He asked. “You hadn’t called me all day. You always call when I’m on hunts.”

‘Sorry.” She whispered. She didn’t know that Dean was currently pushing Baby faster as he headed home, Sam right by his side with worry etched on his face. She didn’t know that Dean was kicking himself for leaving her home alone when he just knew that she wasn’t herself.

“Baby, I’ll be home soon. We can talk then.” He said. “I’m probably like ten minutes out.”

“I don’t want to talk anymore.” She said softly. “No one listens anyway.” Dean was trying to talk to her when she hung up. She laid her phone on the bed ignoring it as it kept lighting up with Dean’s name and a picture of him asleep on the couch with a beer bottle in one hand and a half eaten sub in the other. Staring down at that picture, something snapped in her. She took her phone and chucked it across the room, a satisfied smile spreading on her face as it broke. Next went a tacky lamp she had bought at a garage sale, followed by pillows, blankets, and pictures. Things crashed and broke against the concrete walls of the bunker.

She fell to her knees on the floor in the middle of the mess, tears streaming down her face. Some inhuman sound between a laugh and a scream escaped her lips as she stared at the broken objects.

****

Dean and Sam rushed into the bunker once Dean had pulled into the garage. They heard the noise coming from the bedroom. Sam was going to go for his gun, afraid that it was some monster, but Dean waved to him, silently telling him to put it away. Sam did as he was told as he followed Dean down the hallway to his and (Y/n)’s room. The door wasn’t latched, so Dean gently pushed against it, allowing it to swing open.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” (Y/n) whispered to herself as she picked up pieces of broken glass. There was already blood on her hands from pieces of the sharp objects cutting into her skin. Dean rushed forward.

“(Y/n).” He said calmly, but full of worry. She looked up at him, her eyes puffy from crying. “Did you do this?” She nodded, unable to find the right words. He just pulled her to his chest. She had been crouched on her toes, and fell forward right into him, knocking him back onto his butt. “Sammy, get me the first aid kit. Bring it to her Batcave.”

Her old bedroom had been turned into what she called the Batcave. She kept all her things in there that she loved, from comics and movies to Funko Pops and game systems. It was her retreat when she just needed a moment, but a lot of times they would all gather in there to play some gem that she had gotten from a used game store. Dean scooped (Y/n) up into his arms and carried her to the room. Sam met them there a little bit later.

“I’m sorry.” (Y/n) whispered again as Dean poured peroxide onto her damaged hands and worked on cleaning and bandaging them.

“Why?” Dean asked. “Why did you do it?” She shivered some.

“You don’t know how it feels to lose yourself.” She said. He was about to speak up, but she shook her head. “This isn’t something supernatural. This isn’t the Mark of Cain or losing a soul or anything like that. It’s my own mind failing me and I don’t know how much more of it I can handle.” She looked down at her shaking hands, remembering squeezing the glass so it cut into her skin.

“Baby…” Dean whispered. “Why didn’t you say something before?”

“There’s always more important things.” She said quietly. “So I put a smile on my face and support you and Sam on whatever mission you’re off to next.” Dean looked up at Sam. They had both failed her. Him as a boyfriend and Sam as a best friend. They failed to notice when she was in need of their help and if they had waited any longer to figure it out…

“I’m so sorry (Y/n).” Dean said, cupping her face. “You needed me and I wasn’t there. Bobby told us the same thing once. That we always think that our crap is more important than anyone else’s.” He closed his eyes. “It doesn’t matter if we save the world if you’re not in it.” He brushed tears from her face.

“Why don’t you two stay here?” Sam suggested. “I’ll go clean up the broken things and run some laundry. Then I’ll get us something to eat. Something that (Y/n) doesn’t have to cook.” With that, he ran off on his tasks. It was a silent agreement between him and Dean that they were going to try to make things easier on (Y/n) by all means possible. 

“Do you want to play one of your games?” Dean asked.

“Not right now.” She answered softly. Dean just pulled her to his chest. 

“I’ll do better next time.” He told her. “I’ll try to listen more.”

“I know you try your best.” She told him. He shook his head.

“Well, my best isn’t good enough then.” He said. “I will make this better. And if you lose yourself again, then I will be right here to find you.”


End file.
